Aug 12
Parenting For Today
“It is easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men” Frederick Douglass
Quite often we hear the phrase that parenting does not come with a manual. Do you think that statement is true? I know that parenting in today’s world is very challenging, difficult and exhausting. However, I believe with all my heart that a manual has been provided and some of us read it and others don’t. And that makes all the difference.
Parenting today is hard; parenting is for the rest of our lives, it never ends regardless of how old one gets. As responsible parents, there are many things to be concerned about, pitfalls, traps and challenges in raising children in a world of media consumption and technology. As parents, how can we manage all of these tasks? Have you asked yourself that question?
Do you have a clear objective on why you are raising children? And for what?
In parenting, your what question is just as important as your why question.
Consider the following questions: :
What was your main reasoning for having children?
What did you think having children was going to do for you?
What have you learned about yourself as a person and as a parent?
What is your overall desire for your children?
What is your overall plan for your children as adults?
Where are you in your parenting journey?
Does God play an important role in your parenting?
I know these questions are open-ended questions and there are no specific, clear answers. These questions are intended for us to think and reflect on where we are in our parenting journey.
Consider also what many parents say about their children:
They are driving me crazy
I don’t know what to do with this child
He just doesn’t listen
She’s so stubborn
He’s messy and never picks up after himself
She’s always arguing with me
My children don’t respect me
I sometimes feel like I’m the child and my children the parent.
I’m exhausted
First let me start by saying that there is no one size fits all magic potion or pill that cures parenting ills. Parenting takes work, commitment, discipline, communication and lots of patience and love.
So let me help you in providing some tools and ideas that can help you in your parenting journey.
Know your parenting style
Diana Baumrind a clinical psychologist studied parenting styles along with children's behavior and she identified four types of parenting style:
Authoritative Parents- High expectation yet loving and responsive to children’s needs
Authoritarian Parents (or Disciplinarian)-Because I said so, it’s my way or the highway.
Permissive Parents (or Indulgent)-set very few rules and boundaries and they are reluctant to enforce rules. These parents don’t want to disappoint their children
Neglectful Parents (or Uninvolved)-Neglectful parents do not set firm boundaries or high standards.They are indifferent to their children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives.
In the US, roughly 46% of parents use authoritative parenting style, 26% authoritarian parenting style, 18% permissive parenting style, and 10% neglectful parenting style. Parenting styles are categorized based on two dimensions of parenting behavior and styles. Based on Baumrind’s research on parenting styles, children of authoritative parents tend to:
Appear happy and content
Are more independent
Are more active
Achieve higher academic performance
Develop good self-esteem
Interact with peers using competent social skills
Have better mental health — less depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, delinquency, alcohol and drug use
Exhibit less violent tendencies
Are securely attached
So I say this to you parents. Know thyself. It’s important that when it comes to parenting you know who you are, what you are, your values, your commitment, your triggers, your emotional state, your relationship with your spouse, your ability to agree/disagree, your faith and your part in parenting. Once you have worked on this as a baseline assessment, you create a framework for your family-
But let’s focus on 5 basic tenets to early parenting
Know your ducklings- You must know your children. Their emotional state, their self-esteem, their awareness, their abilities and struggles, their insecurities, their laughter, their pain and interest
Know your child’s Personality- Adventurous, agreeable, ambitious, balanced, independent, balanced, independent, kind, loyal, compassionate, protective-Abrasive, aggressive, lazy, messy moody, bossy, cold, conceited
Know your child’sCharacter-While character and personality are both used to describe someone’s behaviors, the two examine different aspects of that individual. One’s personality is more visible, while one’s character is revealed over time, through varying situations. Lickerman said“Character, on the other hand, takes far longer to puzzle out. It includes traits that reveal themselves only in specific—and often uncommon—circumstances, traits like honesty, virtue, and kindliness.”
Know your child’s Temperament- Melancholic-unhappy, worried, suspicious, serious anxious Choleric-ego-centric, hot-headed, active Phlegmatic- reasonable, high-principle, steadfast, calm Sanguine- Playful, easy-going, sociable, carefree
Know your child’s Triggers- What sets your children off- their behavior changes when something happens. It comes before the meltdown.
In the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Steven Covey wrote,
“Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.” This is our biggest challenge as parents. We want our children to understand us but we are not listening with an intent to understand them. When we are not consistent with our children, we lose respect, credibility and empathy.
The challenges we face as parents is that over a period of time our children see our character, and many times we lose credibility with them. Do what I say not I do.
Quite often we value expediency over patience and time. We failed to empathize with our children and we forget we were young once too. We do not have an authentic, genuine relationship with our children. Dr. Meg Meeker wrote, “ No matter where you are or what you’ve done. It’s never too late to have a better relationship with your son or daughter.”
Why are you raising your children?
What are you raising your children for?
Let me share 5 reasons for my why questions:
Because I desire for them to have an authentic relationship with Christ
Because I desire for them to be responsible functional adults
Because I desire for them to live for truth, light, integrity, godly-character
Because I desire for them to be good stewards of their gifts and to honor God with their lives, and finance
Because I desire for them to have a solid clear Identity on who they are and whose the are
Let me share 5 reasons for my what questions:
To feed the hungry, cloth the nake, give to drink to the thirsty
To empathize with others
To speak and advocate for the fatherless
To live as a true representative of God’s unfailing love
To live in the abundance of humility and servanthood
Parenting for today is about having courageous conversations about your parenting style. Are you an Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, Neglectful parent?
Do you know your ducklings? Do you know their triggers? Do you know their temperament and personalities? Do you have credibility with your children? Do you empathize with your children? Do you know why and for what reason you are raising children?
Parenting is a 24/7, 365 day job for the rest of your life. You never stop being concerned for their well-being, you want to make sure they succeed and thrive in life, you want to make sure they find a great spouse, you want to make sure nothing bad ever happens to them. As wonderful and meaningful all these sentiments are, it’s not always the case.
Our children, because they are human, are going to make mistakes, they are going to have poor judgment calls, they, at times, are going to be influenced by others who may not have the same life-compass you have tried to impart in them. They are going to fail, they are going to be confused and worried and fearful. It is in those moments where our children are not going to look for a judge, they are going to look for someone who is going to be there and listen and help them find their way home.
This is why we pray together, to give our children a roadmap to find their way home.
This is why we read the scriptures, so they can read and learn of God’s forgiveness and unfailing love.
This is why we have dinner at the table so we can engage in philosophical, intellectual and spiritual conversations about life.
As a parent you have a great challenge ahead of you, but you are not alone. You have a community of believers, of imperfect people who are eager and willing to help you in your journey. To pray for you, to cry with you, and to remind you of God’s love for you and your family. God is a generational God. What you do as a mother or father matters. It matters greatly to your children. Furthermore, God’s blessings over your next generations starts with you.
In the bible there’s a great story. The story of Joshua, who God called to be Moses' successor. After they enter the promised land, and God leads them to fight and win the battles before them, they are now in full possession of the land and these are Joshua’s words to the nation of Israel
Joshua 24:15- 15 But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
We are living in perilous times. We need fathers, mothers, communities, church leaders, men and women to be of great impact in our homes and communities.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. The choice is yours. Do you have a why and a what for raising your children?
I leave you with our quote of the day and it comes from best selling Christian author, Chip Ingram “the more secular we become, the more society pushes our children to the margins. They are often portrayed as burdens, inconveniences, drains on finances, or hindrance to careers…in the kingdom of God, they are priceless.”
Never compromise Integrity for comfort, Stay Strong!
-E. Rustrian